Is He Mature Enough?
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Q  I have been dating a man a little over a year. 
We are both in our 20s and often discuss marriage and our future together. 
We get along very well and are very much in love. 

There is only one issue that concerns me and that is his level of spiritual maturity. We are both saved and love the Lord, however, he is more towards the early stages of his Christian walk. I was raised by a spirit-filled mother and my grandmother was a very strong woman of God. Thus, my spiritual foundation was laid way back when I was a little girl and continues today. 

My boyfriend just recently started concentrating on his faith since he met me (he reads the Bible now, prays and attends church regularly). He is a wonderful man and is eager to learn and grow, but he's still not 'there' yet. The Bible speaks of being equally yoked and I understand that to mean being of the same faith--both being born again. I guess my question boils down to whether or not it is advisable to marry a man who is not as quite spiritually mature as he could be, but is a Christian. I remember a pastor saying in church one day a long time ago that no woman should marry a spiritually immature man. I do believe that the man is supposed to be the spiritual head of the house/family and I want my husband to fulfill that role, so should I: (1)end the relationship with this guy I love because he's not spiritually mature yet; (2)continue dating and growing together and encourage him spiritually and wait to get married once he's reached that level; (3) marry him when the time comes and continue praying and encouraging him and grow together in faith as husband and wife?


from the Mountain:

Since there is only one issue that concerns you, that is the main issue that I shall address.

According to a Reader's Digest article that I read years ago, these are the top five reasons for divorce in order of predominance.
1. Money
2. Sex
3. Intellectual Incompatibilities
4. Interfering In-laws
5. Religious Differences

It is interesting to note that of the top five reasons for divorce, religious incompatibility is the least cause. That is perhaps underscored by the divorce rate in the Christian church. It is from 3 to 7% HIGHER than those not in the Christian church. 

The evidence says that just because you both claim to be Christian, doesn't guarantee that your marriage will be fulfilling and stable.

From your words, I think there is a good possibility you and your boyfriend will do fine with these cautions, The cautions are actually more for you than him. 

Here's why.

1. You said, "I was raised by a spirit-filled mother and my grandmother was a very strong woman of God. Thus, my spiritual foundation was laid way back when I was a little girl and continues today."

You didn't mention a spirit filled father. 
You didn't mention a spirit filled grandfather.
You didn't mention a father or grandfather at all. 
Why?

Since you didn't mention it, I assume one of two things. Either your father was not there or he was not spirit filled, at least not like your mother. Apparently you grew up in a home where the woman was far more religious. 

It appears your mother grew up in a home where her mother was more religious. That's a pattern and people often don't recognize the power of patterns and subtle generational training and conditioning.

Were your parents a happy couple?

Were your grandparents a happy couple?

If not, that presents an entirely different question that really doesn't focus on the man. 
I don't know whether your parents and grandparents had happy marriages. 
I do know that the women were the dominant spiritual leaders.

At least that is a familiar situation and you are more prone than not to repeat it.

A lot depends upon the answer to that question concerning your parents happiness. 

A home where the woman is more spiritual can work.

I grew up in such a home. 

My mother was far more religious than my father but they both went to church twice each week. My father was spiritual but more practical. Even when I say "more spiritual" I mean more outwardly so. Often the true deep spirituality is rather silent and doesn't have the extremely overt manifestations.

Although my mother had the greater expression of spirituality, I now understand that my father had the greater understanding and far more wisdom.

It's not all about shouting hallelujah.

Both of you are of the SAME religion and that is far more important than at what level each of you operates at.

I am going to start using the word religious instead of spiritual because they are not necessarily the same thing.

I have learned that being too religious can be a detriment in marriage if earthly things are not taken care of. A LOT of ministers have super religious wives but super low intimate lives. It's out of balance.

Of the super religious women that I know, over half of them have unsatisfactory marriages or husbands that would not stay with them. Their percentage of success in marriage is worse than the non-super religious women. That says something if you look at honest truth.

My father had a saying, "you can be so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good." 
I have seen a lot of that in both men and women. I have seen men super dedicated to the church but wouldn’t half take care of their families and the woman was greatly burdened. 

There are quite a few very religious women that I would in no way want as my wife. 
Even if they were gorgeous I still would not want them as my wife.

I am a pastor. I want a spirit filled woman, but I want a full woman.

Often, the super religious won't take care of their body. They let themselves get completely out of shape and thus become unattractive to the husband.

Worldly women will exercise and know that they need to remain attractive to the husband. I sometimes wonder if this is a big factor in the higher divorce rate among Christians. 
We depend upon God to do many things that we are responsible for.

There is an article in Charisma that states that 20% of ministers are addicted to pornography. I also pondered why? It's probably because they have overly religious wives that have forgotten about the earthly things and have let the church substitute for the joy and feeling they should get at home.

At at recent Pastors conference that I attended, they focused on marriages among the clergy. Believe me, even the pastors had problems with their wives being over active in church and under active at home.

If your future husband is in church, seeking God and moving in the right direction, that's sufficient. Make sure that when you get married, fulfill ALL of the earthly requirements as a woman.

He needs a wife, not a preacher. 
Let the preacher be the preacher and you be the wife.

Your future husband seems to have great qualities, at least you are pleased with them which is the most important part. Even with his spiritual walk you state: "We are both saved and love the Lord" "he reads the Bible now, prays and attends church regularly. He is a wonderful man and is eager to learn and grow."

That's a glowing recommendation on a man's spiritual directions.

When you say that he is not "there" understand that no one is really "there" not when you really know the details of the situation.

I am not "there." I struggle with spiritual things each day.

The disciples of Jesus were perhaps some of the most devoted and sacrificial men of history. They gave up all and even sacrificed their lives. Yet, Jesus said, "oh ye of little faith" so many times to the disciples. They were not "there" yet.

Don't worry about him being "there" as long as he is progressing.

I think you both will do fine but remember, don't forget that you won't live the vast majority of your lives in church. As a married couple you will spend 1/3 of your lives in bed. Make sure that you are just as diligent where you spend 1/3 of your life as you are where you spend a few hours a week.

Be careful of generational patterns, especially if the answer to the question, "Were your parents and grandparents happy couples?" NO.

If the answer to that question is "no," there will be a strong generational tendency to reproduce the same thing in your marriage. It will come under the guise of spirituality but in reality it is not spiritual, it's a generational curse masquerading as something spiritual.
If you are not careful, very careful, but most of all aware of it, it will repeat itself.

“Thus, my spiritual foundation was laid way back when I was a little girl and continues today.”

It is not just spiritual patterns, but LIFE patterns that are formed when you are a child and usually continue throughout adulthood. They pass from parent to child to grandchild.
The specific answers to your questions:
Q: I guess my question boils down to whether or not it is advisable to marry a man who is not as quite spiritually mature as he could be, but is a Christian.
A: I don’t know anyone that is as spiritually mature as they COULD be. Never expect that of him or you will be severely disappointed with any man, and vice versa.

Q: so should I: (1)end the relationship with this guy I love because he's not spiritually mature yet; 

A: No, he seems to have the qualities of a very good husband and you love him.

Q: (2)continue dating and growing together and encourage him spiritually and wait to get married once he's reached that level; 

A: Yes., You must also wait until he asks you to marry him. 
The ultimate ball, is still in his court.

Q:(3) marry him when the time comes and continue praying and encouraging him and grow together in faith as husband and wife?

Q: WHEN he asks, go through premarital counseling at your church before you get married. Premarital counseling will often bring out issues that you hadn't discussed before and help determine whether you are truly for each other.

Then if you are still in agreement after the counseling and the counselor agrees that you should marry, then marry him.

One other thing.

When you say dating, I assume that means no premarital sex.
With you being spirit filled, that goes without saying.

from MountainWings.com

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