#1008  The Company?

As you go to work today remember this company is hiring 

Do You Want to Work Here?

New Company Policies

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of 
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able 
to come to work.

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee 
here, you need all your organs. You should not consider 
removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something 
removed constitutes a breach of employment.

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can 
do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers.

Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to 
the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement 
is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late 
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your 
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided 
your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in 
your absence.

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at 
least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your 

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. 
In the future, we will follow the practice of going in 
alphabetical order.

For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 
8:00 to 8:10, employees who names being with 'B' will go from 
8:10 to 8:20 and so on.

If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to 
wait until the next day when your time comes again. 
In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a 
coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve 
this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute 
time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an 
alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, 
and the stall door will open. 

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our 
employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Down tax $1.11
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Under time $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Never say to management that you have not gotten your 
two-cents worth.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to 
provide a positive employment experience. All questions, 
comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, 
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, 
contemplation, consternation, or input should be directed 

Have a nice and fun-filled weekend.

The Management

Be Thankful for the job that you have
You could work for the company above

Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox. 
See you tomorrow.