#1046 Love Contract
Suppose everyone had to absolutely truthful from the beginning in relationships.
Here's a humorous look at what some relationship contracts might look like.
My Phony Valentine
If the rules of romance were taken as seriously as rules of law,
99% of new lovers would be pursuing fraud claims against their
partners. Why? Because with everyone on their best behavior in the
early stages of a relationship, what we see is seldom what we get.
Protect your legal and emotional rights. Enter into relationships
with open eyes and informed consent. Require all suitors to execute
the Truth-In-Loving Disclosure Statement, as follows.
TRUTH IN LOVING DISCLOSURE STATEMENT:
I, the undersigned paramour, hereby agree to abide by the
time-honored romantic tradition of completely misrepresenting who I
am at the beginning of our relationship, to be increasingly candid in
the middle stages, and to finally reveal my stunning array of
character defects, true beliefs, and annoying quirks at the end. This
agreement shall be fully implemented within six months, being the
estimated time it will take for our eternal, undying love to change
to bitter resentment:
1. Ridiculously early in our relationship, I covenant to begin
calling you my soul mate, even though neither I nor my 29 previous
soul mates have any clue what that word means.
2. When asked why my prior relationships didn't work out, I shall
state, "We had different goals," failing to mention that one of mine
is to sabotage all relationships.
3. I will tell you that I love all the little things you do, when in
fact, I hate all the little things you do, especially the way you
(choose one or more): talk incessantly, squeeze the toothpaste tube
in the middle, sneak up on me with a flashlight.
4. Men: I shall misrepresent that I love to communicate, listen to
Sting, and especially dance. Women: I shall misrepresent that I have
a deep interest in the standings, statistical leaders, and weekly
injury reports for all major sports.
5. I will insist with a straight face that I never want to try to
change you, even as my list of suggestions for improving your
appearance, personality, and lifestyle approaches the 10,000 mark.
6. I shall pretend to find it cute how your cat climbs all over me
while I'm sucking on an asthma inhaler at the same time that your dog
is attempting to have intimate relations with my leg.
7. We shall talk on the phone at the following frequency: first
month, five times per day; second month, three times per day; third
and fourth months, once per day; fifth month, when I need a ride;
sixth month, when I forget to check my Caller ID.
8. In the second month, I agree to begin combining the words
"committed" and "you" in the same sentence. Provided: I will not add
"mental institution" to such sentence until the fifth month.
9. In months one and two, we shall engage in frequent, excessive
public displays of affection. During months three to five, such
displays shall decline in direct proportion to number of syllables we
utter to each other while dining out. In month six, excessive
displays shall resume, but only with persons not party to this
10. I will see only the good in your numerous negative qualities
until the sixth month, at which point I will come to the startling
realization that your playfulness is really immaturity, your caring
is codependence, and your confidence is narcissism.
11. At all relevant times, I shall confuse love with lust.
Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.