#1046  Love Contract
Suppose everyone had to absolutely truthful from the beginning in relationships. 
Here's a humorous look at what some relationship contracts might look like.

My Phony Valentine

If the rules of romance were taken as seriously as rules of law, 
99% of new lovers would be pursuing fraud claims against their 
partners. Why? Because with everyone on their best behavior in the 
early stages of a relationship, what we see is seldom what we get. 
Protect your legal and emotional rights. Enter into relationships 
with open eyes and informed consent. Require all suitors to execute 
the Truth-In-Loving Disclosure Statement, as follows.


I, the undersigned paramour, hereby agree to abide by the 
time-honored romantic tradition of completely misrepresenting who I 
am at the beginning of our relationship, to be increasingly candid in 
the middle stages, and to finally reveal my stunning array of 
character defects, true beliefs, and annoying quirks at the end. This 
agreement shall be fully implemented within six months, being the 
estimated time it will take for our eternal, undying love to change 
to bitter resentment:

1. Ridiculously early in our relationship, I covenant to begin 
calling you my soul mate, even though neither I nor my 29 previous 
soul mates have any clue what that word means.

2. When asked why my prior relationships didn't work out, I shall 
state, "We had different goals," failing to mention that one of mine 
is to sabotage all relationships.

3. I will tell you that I love all the little things you do, when in 
fact, I hate all the little things you do, especially the way you 
(choose one or more): talk incessantly, squeeze the toothpaste tube 
in the middle, sneak up on me with a flashlight.

4. Men: I shall misrepresent that I love to communicate, listen to 
Sting, and especially dance. Women: I shall misrepresent that I have 
a deep interest in the standings, statistical leaders, and weekly 
injury reports for all major sports.

5. I will insist with a straight face that I never want to try to 
change you, even as my list of suggestions for improving your 
appearance, personality, and lifestyle approaches the 10,000 mark.

6. I shall pretend to find it cute how your cat climbs all over me 
while I'm sucking on an asthma inhaler at the same time that your dog 
is attempting to have intimate relations with my leg.

7. We shall talk on the phone at the following frequency: first 
month, five times per day; second month, three times per day; third 
and fourth months, once per day; fifth month, when I need a ride; 
sixth month, when I forget to check my Caller ID.

8. In the second month, I agree to begin combining the words 
"committed" and "you" in the same sentence. Provided: I will not add 
"mental institution" to such sentence until the fifth month.

9. In months one and two, we shall engage in frequent, excessive 
public displays of affection. During months three to five, such 
displays shall decline in direct proportion to number of syllables we 
utter to each other while dining out. In month six, excessive 
displays shall resume, but only with persons not party to this 

10. I will see only the good in your numerous negative qualities 
until the sixth month, at which point I will come to the startling 
realization that your playfulness is really immaturity, your caring 
is codependence, and your confidence is narcissism.

11. At all relevant times, I shall confuse love with lust. 

Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.